The Safety Dance

 
 

How should I approach this intersection?

It depends on the rider. It depends on the group. It depends on the traffic. It depends on the weather. It depends on the local laws. It depends on the time of day. It depends on the risk you're hoping to mitigate. It depends on the image you're looking to convey. Why did I write that inconclusive response? Because cycling, like surfing, can't be explained in a textbook to such an extent that a novice could read the prose over a lazy weekend and become an expert surfer or cyclist.

It's an absurd construct, at best, to imagine that anyone could write down their cumulative thoughts about cycling safety, no matter how experienced, and that it could somehow change the dynamic of any group ride in any profound way.

That said, I'm a big fan of Don Quixote, and the windmills in Golden Gate Park are splendid, no? That's why I'll take the time to pay homage to those landmarks and offer all of this anyway. There are plenty of little quips that may be conveyed that might cause some people to ponder their surroundings a little bit differently while they're on that group ride, and if this prevents even a single crash then that's one less broken bone, $75 saved on Tegaderm; 115 texts, emails and DMs I don't have to respond to.

The Intersection

  • If the people in front of you on a sizable group ride are slowing down at an intersection, you should hear those people yelling "slowing!" or "stopping!" If you don't hear it, they've messed up

  • If the people in front of you are slowing/stopping at an intersection, and you fly by them at speed without even considering why they're stopping, you have most definitely made a mistake. Assume there's a 10-ton-double-decker-Morrisey truck barreling down from the right or left instead, and you're about to lose your life. Funerals are expensive! But if we're contemplating my funeral, specifically, of course, I would want my wife to dress sexy, wink at the minister, and blow kisses to my grieving brother

  • If your four-way intersection has a stoplight, ALWAYS stop at it. Always. It doesn't matter if you're alone or in a group. Get a grip, man. Just stop. I happen to think you're super important and very special, but not everyone realizes that about you yet

  • If your three-way intersection has a stoplight, ALWAYS stop in a large group ride. Proceed on a solo or very small group ride only if you've got "this is actually my second Aethos" money in your savings account.

  • The Lake 3-way? Only if you're on a breakaway with like 2 other peeps and the next riders are a minute back, and you can clearly see that no cars are approaching from the left. Just use your noggin' (but not by smacking it into the tarmac)

  • If there are pedestrians, dogs, strollers, or if Bernie Sanders should happen upon the crosswalk, and you notice them too late, only proceed because suddenly stopping might cause those behind you to touch your rear wheel and crash out. But if you see those pedestrians in time, yell stopping and wait. Come on man... you know better

  • T intersections can be particularly dangerous in a group when approaching from the south side of that T (e.g. south side of the Medical Center). When you clip in and go, you're conveying to everyone in the group behind you that it's safe and clear to also go. So once you go, yell CLEAR or else yell CAR RIGHT or CAR LEFT! Consider that not offering these verbals might literally be a death sentence for those following your wheel. That's one less holiday card for you and your fam to magnetize to a food locker.

  • This is certainly not everything there is to know about riding a bike through an intersection. There are countless dynamics and scenarios which might slightly change your course of action. However, if you only remember these, you're likely to put yourself and your ride mates in a position to simply not die. Feels like a win, especially for those who adore holiday salutations

The Group Descent

  • Fat Cake, specifically, features two legendary descents, the backside of Hawk and the south side of Twin Peaks. Personally, I loathe the backside of Hawk, and when I'm descending it, I swear that I can faintly make out the sounds of a murder of startled crows, flapping feverishly to escape an invisible evil. That said, eating this particular Cake, although delicious, comes with inherent risks

  • On the backside of Hawk, there's really never a good reason to pass someone unless you've also set up a jump ramp, pre-ride, and you're attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Records for launching yourself into the Pacific Ocean. Otherwise, just cool your jets, turbo. Literally, nobody cares that you can PR the backside of Hawk. They only want to see your enigmatic smile post-ride at the Bakery so their IG appears passable later that morning. p.s. Yes, there are rocks in those off-camber corners

  • The Twin Peaks descent... I swear to gawd, if we see you cross that yellow line on this descent without an exceptional excuse at the ready, we're going to have to ban you from our rides for no less than a year as a timeout, dunce-cap style. There's just no reason at all to make me read yet ANOTHER text, DM, post, or email about this submitted by the general public. In that case, I will absolutely take this indiscretion personally, and I will write no less than 6 Strava titles at your expense for future rides. You remember that Game of Thrones episode where Lena Heady's character is forced to walk naked in a "walk of atonement" down a stair-steppy, sleep village while all the peasants are throwing fruit and rotten vegetables at her and hissing "SHAMMMMEEEE!!!!!"?Well, metaphorically speaking, 100s of Cakers will be throwing stale, cranberry-flavored White Claw at you and shouting "DOPER!" and telling you that your socks are way too short; but I mean, if that were a ride title and you were a disgraced queen in an imaginary land who hates everything about cranberries and Thanksgiving

  • Passing on Twin Peaks. Ok, if you must. But if you pass someone, they better know you're coming, and you better be offering a VERY wide berth. NEVER pass on the right (in most scenarios, not just descending), NEVER cross the centerline (see above), and always yell "on your left!" And should you pass and the rider being overcome appears surprised and/or startled? That means you did it wrong. At that point, just quit the ride, skip the bakery, and slow roll back home with your saddlebag between your scrawny legs. Try again next month

  • "Hold your line!" Sometimes, someone will yell this demonstratively in the direction of your face, and it's not appropriate or fair. But for the other 98% of the time, just take a gulp and then field the feedback like an adult. You probably swerved when you shouldn't have. No big deal. We've all done it. But if it's been pointed out to you more than once or twice? Time to hit up some smaller group rides and practice holding that line. Also, time to invest in some rollers of which you're able to ride without suddenly swerving onto the living room floor and breaking your TV/VCR combo. Finally, pick a painted line on solo rides and practice staying on top of it. For other tricks about holding your line, DM me. I just love talking about lines in general!

Hazards

  • A lot of people don't know this, but The Dukes of Hazzard was originally inspired by an angelic band of do-gooders who taught their fellow cyclists how to activate their vocal cords demonstratively when they identified something in the road which registered to their brains as potentially dangerous while they were riding their bicycles. They happened to yell "Heeee Hawwwww!" back then but it never really caught on in the velo-world🎵” Just some good old boys... never meaning any harm..."🎵 That's the theme song, but what an understatement!!! They were always trying to prevent harm before it ever fell upon their fellow (wo)man. But ultimately, CBS thought it was better to take the show in another direction, and that's why Daisy Duke shorts existed for so long before lycra shorts and why they drove orange cars with anachronistic and racists flags on them instead of riding planet-saving bicycles; and why Boss Hog ultimately became a notorious, American punk-blues band in 1989. But to digress...

  • When you see a pothole, yell "HOLE!" or "POTHOLE!" The same goes for rocks or bricks or birds, ducks or geese if they won't scurry. And if you hear that the human in front of you has managed to yell it, repeat it again as if your friends' lives behind you depend on it because they might! Think about it... someone a dozen riders back, while traffic-adjacent, is very unlikely to hear a single lead rider yell "GIANT SINKHOLE THE SIZE OF WHICH MIGHT SWALLOW A GIANT ORANGE CAR WITH A RACIST FLAG ON IT!" but if everyone behind that lead rider yells the exact same thing?! Well, that still won't work, and it will just sound terrible; just yell "hole" or "rock", ok? Caring about others is sooooo 2021

  • If an alley cat has caught your tongue and you can't speak, you may point! But if the pavement sucks, and there are potholes and various hazards everywhere, DO NOT POINT! Only yell because taking one hand off the bars means you're jeopardizing the safety of the riders behind you because, er ah, you are now riding thru potholes one-handed. This brings me to my next topic...

BARS, my hands, where do they go... argh?!?!!

  • Gosh, it seems simple sometimes, but sometimes it's also not so simple. When you're in a group, you should only have your hands on the tops if there are no riders directly in front of you. If those riders exist, your fingers need to be caressing a brake lever as if you've just rediscovered a long, lost lover. Yes, you read that right. Only if the ex-lover from your memory was super tall. Otherwise, just touch your levers like an ordinary heathen might touch a book of lame limericks, with disdain but also purpose

  • If you are comfortable in the drops, and your bike happens to fit you well because you've had a bike fit, and you are able to apply adequate, safe pressure to your levers from this position, ALWAYS be in your drops on descents, especially in groups.

  • If your bike does not fit you well, and you are able to better apply pressure to your levers from the hoods, then sure and of course, do this instead. Ignore the "drops-only" haters in that case, but really consider adjusting your brake levers so that you can reach them from your drops.

  • Ride no-handed when you have like 15 feet of space around you in every direction, and you want to show off for one of our more prominent and talented Fat Cake photographers. There are so many of them now- Ride one-handed for brief instances when you want to point out hazards, sunsets, and any new bakeries we encounter while on rides

  • Ride with both hands when you want to virtue signal to your fellow ride mates that you've read some of the shit they're writing in #the_safety_dance slack channel. No, really, do this almost all the time.

Half-wheeling

I admittedly hate writing about this and so will only have half as much enthusiasm as I've had for any of the other safety topics.

  • You SHOULD half-wheel when the group in front of you suddenly slows unexpectedly, and you don't want to slam on your brakes. You want to do this because, in this scenario, half-wheeling is way less dangerous than grabbing your brakes and risking that everyone behind you will ride up your backside. Unless you want to become a true local legend as the person who crashed out the group ride. Of course, once the group picks up speed again, un-half your wheel and ride like a good citizen again instead

  • You should not half-wheel in almost any other circumstance. Leave some space between yourself and the rider in front of you so that if they swerve, you won't eat tarmac for breakfast. Croissants are much more delicious than tarmac at literally all the bakeries we frequent.

  • Finally, consider that when you half-wheel, you're not just jeopardizing your own safety but also that of all of the riders around you. Don't be that rider.

Your Humanity

This leads us to the penultimate topic (for now)

  • When you're riding in a group, you are almost never just riding for yourself and are almost always also riding for those around you. Things you can easily get away with while riding with your two best buds or by yourself should often be entirely jettisoned in larger group rides.

  • When you display poor etiquette on the road in a group, you are often acting as a model for those around you

  • When you are riding solo, and a stranger decides to suddenly jump on your wheel, why are you annoyed? You may have your reasons, but for me, it's because I've suddenly volunteered to be partially responsible for their safety, and in this dynamic, I never volunteered for that.

  • But on Fat Cake? We relish the chance to help each other. If you don't have that temperament already, it's possible that FCC just isn't the ride for you. But if you are on the fence and think your mind could be swayed? Come share a croissant and a coffee with us, and maybe we could convince you.

Finally

JFK once asked Americans to ask not what their country could do for them, but instead, to ask what they could do for their country.

I mean, he did get shot in the head so the aftermath of his sentiments wasn't particularly compelling, but the thought process was dialed.

If you're already going on Fat Cake rides or enjoying wearing Fat Cake kits, instead of just being critical, ask what you can do to help instead.

I am not Fat Cake. Stevo is not Fat Cake. Pamo is not Fat Cake. ALL of us who enjoy this mindset are Fat Cake. Give yourself a voice, be heard, be helpful, be enthusiastic about safety.

We started The Safety Dance channel because we want people to have a voice in the process, but most especially, we want these messages to be more viral than COVID-19 at the height of the pandemic. But even if you're brand new to group cycling, and most of this reads like rubbish, just remember "be vocal and predictable". That's it because literally, everything else follows. Thanks for your time and see you soon on the road 👋🏼